We all have rules in our lives, sometimes we do not even realise them but we have rules for everything.

We have rules for our house, when to eat, when to shop =, when our children can watch TV, when they can play on the play station, where they can eat, when they must go to bed, and their cores at home.

But besides those rules we have our own rules, that we may have not consciously put them.

For example some rules could be with regards to your loved one:

“If you loved me you would buy a birthday card every year.”

“If you loved me you would spoil me at my birthday.”

“If you loved me you would me phone me twice a day just to say hi.”

“If you cared about me and I phoned you because I was in trouble you will just leave everything else and    come to my rescue.”

And so many other rules we do not even think. We just assume that that is the rule and everybody needs to adhere to them.

Some rules for friends could be, if you cared about me you would phone me at least 2 a week,

If you cared about me and I feel down you would come and keep company.

And so many other rules. But let’s face it, if you have that rule and the other person does not oblige to it, how do you feel? Do you feel good or bad?

Chances are that you would feel bad. If your friend has something important to do and she/he cannot spend time with you, then you would feel left like she/he does not love you and if you are depressed you are probably feel more depressed

I am guilty of these rules also. I got lots of rules also and the thing is that we do not look at them and decide to change them easily.

Let’s look at an example,

IF you loved me you would phone me at least once to say hi. That is one of the rules I had.

The thing is that some people like phoning others, and others do not like phoning. They do not see the need to phone. So if my phone does not ring I feel bad.

But how can I change this rule to make me feel happier and to take control of my feelings. Because at the end of the day is my attitude towards it that makes me feels bad.

Well, I could change this rule around and say:

Every time I think of you I feel loved.
So now the responsibility is entirely on me. I do not rely on the other person to feel loved.

Let’s do another example:

“If you respect me you would listen to what I need to say”.

Well sometimes we do not listen and that is a fact. Few people listen well. But if instead I made my rule like:

Anytime I listen to my children or to my partner or my friend I feel respected. Then the responsibility is on me.

I am the only one to blame if I do not feel respected.
Can you see the difference? Can you see that you are now solely responsible for your happiness and your mood. Let’s face it we are the only ones that can change what is wrong in our life. No one else can makes us happy. So if you are wondering why you are not feeling great then revisit your rules.

Now we all have rules. We just need to determine then, and create new rules in positive way

To do so the rules need to start with “anytime”, or “whenever”, and not “every time”. In this way it is much easier to feel good if we fail to comply with the rule from time to time.

So now I encourage to discover your rules, see how they are working or not working in your life and changed them. Once you changed them you will need to repeat them daily as to assimilate them. Please share how you changed your rules below.

Change is not easy for everyone. We are creatures of habits, and once we acquire them we need to make a conscious effort to change them.

Many people are unhappy with their lives, but few of them actually do something to improve it. Some think that they do not have the power to do it. For others they know they can change it but they are scared of change. They are quite comfortable where they are. So they are not desperate enough to change.

I want to talk to you today about the model of change. When someone decides to change they normally go through the same process. There are 6 steps in this model:

1. You realize that you are unhappy with the current situation. At this stage you know you are unhappy but you have not done anything about it.
2. At this stage you are thinking and deciding what you can do. You consider different options, getting help, changing career, jobs, houses, marital status, country, cars, diets, habits or anything that you may be unhappy about. For example you are deciding if you should go back to university to further your studies, or if you should stop smoking to improve your health.
3. At this stage you take relevant action. Now you set your goals and milestones, and you do what you need to do to achieve them. For example you register at university, you start a diet,  you stop smoking completely or partially.  It takes lots of courage to get at this point and only 5% of people that are unhappy really take action.
4. By this stage you have been taking action regularly.  You may have achieved some milestones, like doing a subject or losing 2 kilos, or being cigarette free for 2 weeks. You are probably feeling positive about this change and you know you can conquer it, although sometimes you may feel overwhelmed about it.
5. At this stage you may regress a bit. Suddenly you do not feel like studying, you are missing your TV program or going out with friends. Or maybe you had a social event where you could not resist that cigarette or the food. Next day you were too tired to go to the gym, and once you missed a session you felt lazy to carry on. Yes you have regressed in your journey of change. This does not mean that you have failed. Everyone is allowed to regress, it is normal, so you do not need to beat yourself up.
6. At this stage you have realised that if you do not get your act together you probably will never change. So you bounce back and you continue taking action towards your change. It is now time to celebrate. You have achieved your desired change and you are now happy.

Sometimes you may get stuck in any of these stages. It may seem like nothing is happening.  So what do you do then?

1. If you are unhappy about a situation, then look at yourself, be honest and take responsibility. You are the only one to blame. Look inside yourself and make a plan to change.
2. Thinking and deciding: Well just see how this situation has affected your life and realise that unless you do something different you will always get the same results.
3. Plan the change and make a commitment to yourself to carry on with it.
4. It is easier to maintain action if you set up small milestones. Celebrate each time you reach a milestone. Share it with someone and allow yourself a pat on your back.
5. You may or may not regress, and that depends on your determination to change and your circumstances. But if you do, then I suggest that you accept that regression is normal, learn from it and take action again to continue the journey of change.
6. Once change has occurred then it is time to celebrate and decide to change something else.

Some people are scared of change. And it is understandable, But remember everything is constantly changing. If you do not change, then you may be left behind. Change is needed to grow and learn. Learning is our purpose in this lifetime.

Remember we cannot fail, we are just learning, so if we think about it, we have nothing to lose by changing.

I encourage to look at something you are unhappy in your life and change it. Tells us about your journey, sharing it you may help someone else.

As I was weeding my garden I noticed that I could easily pull out the weeds where the soil was soft and moist. On the other hand I could not pull out weeds where the soil was not as moist, and I started to think that these weeds were quite stubborn. My mind soon made the connection; these weeds are too stubborn like some of our bad habits

I also came to realize that like weeds that grow quite easily, our bad habits are acquired without even noticing it. On the other hand, it is harder to acquire good habits in the same way as it is harder to grow a tree. Why is that?

Well I do not have an answer to that. I suppose a good habit entails discipline and persistence, while a bad habit is more fun.

If you are at a stage when you have decided to get rid of these stubborn weeds, then here are 5 tips to ease the journey.

1. Decide on which habit you are going to break first, and tackle one at a time. I have tried breaking many habits simultaneously, hoping that at the end of the 30 days I would be a different person, but it becomes too overwhelming.

2. Write your new habit down together with the reason or the “why” you want to break it. Knowing the “why” will motivate you to succeed. Keep the actual writing where you can see it. This way if you get too involved with your daily activities you will be reminded. If the habit requires a specific time slot in your day, like exercising, then book it out in your diary (if you use one).

3. Start small. If you decide you want to exercise, do not set as a habit to walk for 5 km because that is not going to happen at the beginning and then you will get discouraged and quit. Rather set yourself a habit of walking 200 meters and increase the distance every day.

4. Use some triggers: Triggers are especially useful since our bad habits are buried deep in our subconscious. But if you keep reminders then it would definite help. For example if you are trying to form the habit to place your keys in the same place as you enter your house, make a note and stick it on the wall, or place something near the entrance that would remind you of what you need to do.

5. Tell someone what you are doing. That will hold you accountable and the person can also give you a pat in the back when you are actually practicing your habit

I do believe also that the habits also agree with your values. If what you are trying to change does not represent an important value in your life then you would probably not be so determined to change. But if the habit you want to break is related to your most important values then you will surely succeed at weeding out your habit.

I would encourage you to decide on a bad habit you want to break and post it here, Let us know how you are doing.